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South Side Santa
"I want to see as much porn as there has been made porn." ~ South Side Santa The South Side Santa (or Southside Santa or SSSanta or simply SSS) is a mythical being similar to Bigfoot. His secret identity is a closely guarded secret, even from his own teammates, most of whom do not have secret identities because the Revengerists find them 'lame' and 'cowardly.' SSS is exempted from this, however, since no one knows if there even is anything under his beard. He himself has suggested that he fears this. If he were to have a normal name and job during his off-hours, then THAT would be the secret identity mask he wears to fool people, not the other way around. SECRET ORIGIN Since only the South Side Santa knows his own secret origin, the rest of this is speculation based on several clues he has 'dropped' during his appearances both in the real world and the Omniverse of the Revengerists, and dutifully collected sightings and reports by cryptozoologists and pop cultures studies majors. From his MySpace fan page: : "Accounts vary, but it is believed that the South Side Santa is the very manifestation of a pitiful city's collective unconscious, a cry for help from its dying childish imagination. And so, like the original Saint Nicholas of Germanic tales of Olde, the South Side Santa is no mere man, but a living myth born flesh, with awesome abilities beyond the control of any single mortal; imbued with powerful tidings of good will, comfort, joy, and hadokkens, by an abstract source of collective belief. It has also been theorized that he is simply a disgruntled ex-Toys 'R' Us employee turned renegade performance artist, but these rumors are thus far unsubstantiated." His many sightings around Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania imply that he may be of that town, or perhaps that is the town whose sad, tortured, dumb citizens need him most. It is regarded among bar patrons that the SSS is solely responsible for their most recent Super Bowl Victories. POWERS AND ABILITIES As the most powerful character in the Revengerists universe, and in the at least top ten of all Santas in our own universe, the South Side Santa has unnumerable powers and ability sets. Here are a mere few: Craftiness '- The South Side Santa plays very dumb to all those around him, speaking painfully slow and with a stupid cadence and about stupid topics. This is so that everyone will underestimate his wits in battle, as he is quite adept at trickery, wordplay, and quoting Monty Python. Kringle Ray - SSS can emit a powerful ray of justice which renders his victims either dazed with holiday memories or a smoking heap of ashes on the floor. Survivors of this attack describe it as tasting of hot cocoa, pumpkin pie, cinnamon, and buttered popcorn. '''Fortune-Telling '- While traveling the land like Johnny Appleseed, South Side Santa hands out fortune cookies to party-goers, patrolmen, riot cops, firemen, bar patrons, hot chicks, sports icons, children, porn store customers, and pretty much anywhere he is needed. This also explains why he knows who is naughty and who is nice. Not only does he foresee who needs his good will the most, the fortunes in the cookies he hands out usually make these lucky people go on to have their worldly desires fulfilled, or at least some other more important lesson learned, such as 'worldly desires aren't everything.' He knows who will win every sporting event, but never uses this for personal gain. He does, however, know where and when he needs to be in order to get himself laid, and uses this for personal gain. '''Tidings of Good Cheer - In addition to being loved by the masses for his holiday disposition, one of his many powers is to keep crowds from turning into angry riotmobs, and defusing his enemies by making them his friends. Bowlful of Jelly Attack - This move is so super-effective that he rarely uses it, resulting in the opponents death ever time. Martial Arts - South Side Santa learned many ways of fighting from around the globe, and we don't even know where all from. We do know that he has learned Krav Maga, Jew-Jitsu, Gymnastics, Zombie-Killing moves, Tai Kwan Do and Karate from the likes of forgotten Ancient Monks, the REAL Santa Claus, Batman(Adam West), Bas Ruden, Mr. Miagi, and the Priests of the Temple of Syrinx. Immortality - South Side Santa will live forever, if only in the hearts and minds of children. He can also commune with woodland creatures. A popular theory is that he refuels his energy cells with Egg Nog, which he consumes year-round and in massive amounts. His powers may also be imbued by the Santa Force, which all Santa helpers receive in order to detect lies and evil. Other Weapons and Items Shitty Shitty Bang Bang '- the name for his numerous vehicles seen driving around town, sometimes even pulled over by police, such as a bumper-dragging Ford Tempo. His vehicles usually spout fire from the exhaust pipe, though this is not some extra-rocket-propulsion system. It is recognizable by missing door handles (or doors), rust patches, Jack-in-the-Box antenna-ball, and the endless myriad of 'junk' he keeps in his trunk, from cases of expired soup and used up fire extinguishers to whiffle bats and broken Pac-Man machines. This makes him a veritable MacGuyver, though the majority of his items are trash from fast food wrappers. He also is sort of like the Dukes of Hazzard, as his door will not open and he needs to slide in the window to get in. '''Samurai Sword '- recieved unto SSS on the anniversary of his 'birth.' It has demonsional powers and houses the soul of a Krampus. '''Fortune Cookies - tasty sugary treats served in Chinese restaurants, (though originally invented in San Francisco, CA) or handed out by SSSant from his sack at house parties and Star Wars movie premiers. They are also really cheap by the box. ARCH-ENEMIES SSSanta has many enemies who are immune to holiday goodness for one ridiculous reason or another, though most people who hate the holidays (athiests and jews) are neutral, or at least think he provides a good public service. SSSanta could easily dispatch any of his many enemies, but for his policy of never killing anyone on purpose (after all, you can't control extra-dimensional godlike powers with 100% accuracy). Steve Motha-fuckin Kline - Santa's oldest rival, though if he ever shows his face 'round here again Santa would easily pulverize it into the ce-ment. The North Side Santa - SSSanta's doppelgänger. He hates the holidays and SSS for no reason, just as SSS loves everyone for no reason. It is hard to say when/where he comes from, not because he is secretive like the SSS, but because the NSS is constantly proliferating multiple contradicting origin stories to anyone who will listen. His powers and SSS's are in exact opposition, either neutralizing each other or causing a total protonic reversal. He uses Bizarro speech and logic, and actually wants to be SSS's best friend, which is why he is always trying to kill him. It is very easy for SSS to outsmart him and best him, but he keeps showing up. Mayor Luke "Steelerstahl" Ravenstahl - Ever since Luke walked out of a bar and they made him the youngest May'r in the Omniverse, he has been a constant thorn in SSS's side in his own hometown of Pittsburgh. May'r Luke sees him as a dangerous vigilante at best, and criminal at worst, though his real reasons for putting him down are far from righteous, as SSSanta is always putting a stop to his evil machination schemes. Crazy Pants - a terrifying homeless man known to frequent convenience stores carrying strange items such as lamps, coat racks, wheelbarrow full of junk, a variety of strange hats, a beach ball, a log. Using secret incantations and spells with his evil eye and hand movements. He is a member of a secret underground Hobo Society and may also have been experimented on by the government. Contrary to popular notions, he does not smell bad. Relationship to the REAL Santa and Usage in Popular Culture The South Side Santa has alternately claimed to have been the REAL Santa in exile for some reason, and more often than not merely one of his regional helpers. He is most active during the summer months, and is often not seen at all crim-fighting in Pittsburgh during December. This means he either a.) IS the real Santa, or b.) backs off from the REAL Santa's territory, and keeps Xmas alive for us the rest of the year round. He has spoken on the radio of his many exploits and of the political rifts in the Santa subculture community. There are also many imposters vying for his spot as protector of Christmas-type things. The only person, it is said, who can best Santa in combat is Adam West Batman Category:Awesomes Category:Goodguys Category:Mythical Creatures Category:Revengerists Category:Legends Category:Magic Category:Vigiliantes Category:Most Powerful Character